Why Men Struggle With Emotions
Recently, I was reading up on why men struggle with emotions and came across an article about Covert Male Depression.
The idea is that “overt” emotions are outwardly expressed whereas “covert” are hidden or unseen emotions. Covert Male Depression then is the unseen depression that 1 in 3 men experience in America.
What’s the cause of this epidemic amongst men in America? Terry Real LICSW describes one major contributing factor as, “The loss of the relational.”
He outlines some fascinating research from Cambridge University explaining that when boys and girls are born, they have the exact same emotional capability and sensitivity.
Over time, for men to become men, they lose their relationship with their emotions and their core selves.
Covert Male Depression
“Toughen up!” “Don’t cry, only girls cry.” “Don’t be afraid of the dark! There’s nothing to be afraid of. You’re a young man, you can’t go through life being afraid of things.”
This type of childhood experience can lead to Covert Male Depression, but the emotional energy still bubbles up under the surface. This energy is most often channeled into activities the man was conditioned to believe equated to masculinity. This is the precursor to Covert Male Depression.
- Extreme Career Ambitions
- Promiscuity/Courtship Conquests
- Pursuit of Power and Wealth
- Physical Fitness or Feats of Strength/Endurance
What Can Be Done About It?
Self-awareness is key. For yourself, or for your partner, you must reflect on your life and try to remember if you (or your partner) were taught to detach from emotions. Without being aware of the causes, the solution won’t be found.
Next is to confront the paradigm that exists surrounding emotions. You must rewire your mind to normalize the experience of emotions. It’s okay to feel angry, it’s okay to feel afraid, and it’s okay to feel sad. Emotions are what make you uniquely human and they do serve an important purpose in your life.
Once you’ve cognitively adopted this mindset, you’re going to have to practice allowing the emotions to move through you instead of suppressing them. This can look a myriad of ways, but the way I like to help my clients is through just simply stating what you are experiencing.
When you feel mad, just state that aloud. “I feel mad!” When you are feeling disappointed or stressed, express it to yourself and/or to your partner! (If you are the partner, make sure to practice validation and empathy to best support them in making this shift). Sit in the emotion– and it will eventually pass.
This practice leads to healthier emotional regulation and often reduces the symptoms of depression. It’s a worthwhile effort to have better mental health and a more connected relationship with yourself and/or your partner.
If you or your partner would like help with overcoming Covert Male Depression or improving your emotional regulation– Therapy is a great way to get some expert help.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, questions, and stories in the comments!
