The Abuse of Absolutes
“You NEVER take out the trash!”
“Well, you NEVER do the dishes!”
Sound familiar? Though this is a stereotype of a classic couples argument– contained within is a common underlying challenge many couples face: The abuse of absolutes.
Absolutes are words that have a totality to them and are most commonly a misrepresentation of objective reality. We know that when we are in an argument say, “We never go on dates,” that we don’t actually mean that our total date count is zero. Why then do we use that language? Why do we use hyperbole?
The reason why we use absolutes is because we are trying to be heard.
Michael Karson from Psychology Today says, “One reason we exaggerate is because an accurate statement fails to illicit the response we feel is appropriate to the occasion.”
We feel we need to exaggerate our point in order for our partner to understand just how important our feelings are regarding the topic and if we don’t exaggerate then our partner won’t take us seriously.
In these instances when absolutes are being used, the speaker isn’t lying or trying to tell half-truths; rather, they are trying to paint a picture impressionistically with words.
What are examples of Absolutes?
“Every” “Always” “The Most” “The Least” “Anything” “All you care about is…” “Never” “Everyone thinks…” “Nobody says…” “Absolutely” “Entirely” Etc.
Underlying Emotions Beneath the Use of Absolutes
It’s crucial for us to understand that when we or others use absolutes– it is because there is an underlying emotion or experience that is in need of validation.
Back to the “you never take out the trash!” example. The underlying emotion is likely frustration, fatigue, or disappointment. It could be about unmet or unexpressed expectations. It could be an unintentional target of pent up frustration from a long day with the kids or work. It could be a whole host of underlying emotions!
The best thing to do in these situations is to listen intently, validate the person’s experience, and ask clarifying questions. If you find yourself using absolutes– pause and ask yourself what underlying emotion you may be feeling that is causing you to use exaggerated language.
What Can Be Done About It?
Let’s start with another example. Let’s say one partner uses a strong exaggerated statement combined with an absolute:
“You always do this to me! You’re driving me absolutely insane!”
What do you think this person is feeling and experiencing? Take a moment and answer that question for yourself. Why do you think someone would say this to their partner?
There’s no “right” answer, but we can speculate. It’s clear that the individual who said the absolute is experiencing something that they don’t feel like they can continue to be exposed to. What could that be? The expression of “you always” paints the picture that this happens frequently enough that the individual doesn’t want it to keep happening and wants change.
We can assume the individual is experiencing charged emotions, so if we hear these types of statements, or we ourselves begin using them, it’s crucial to focus on what is the root cause of these statements and to address them directly.
This leads to another topic that we will cover in depth another time called process over content, but the key point remains. Focus on what is causing you or your partner to feel that absolutes or exaggerated statements are needed in order for you or your partner to feel heard and understood. Once that is clarified, the argument can become productive and the process of repairing can follow.
It can be extremely difficult to interrupt an argument pattern when you first notice the use of absolutes in an argument. It takes practice, effort, and patience. However, if you and your partner are able to express what is happening underneath the use of exaggerated language, you’ll be better able to understand one another’s needs and experience.
If you or your partner would like help with finding those root emotions and experiences– a therapist can help you navigate those difficult conversations.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts, questions, and stories in the comments!
