Approaching the Loss of a Relationship

“All things will come to an end” were the words one of my mentors taught me early in my adulthood. At the time I was forced to live in a situation that was causing me immense stress and frustration. After what felt like an eternity, two months later my time in that situation did end. For better or for worse his words are true. Thankfully the worst and most harmful relationships in our life will end. Sadly, so too will the best and most beneficial relationships eventually end.

Loss Aversion

Loss is difficult for most people to discuss because loss has historically been intimately tied to our survival. Drs. Kahneman & Tversky published research in behavioral economics about this concept called “Loss Aversion.” Simply explained, the pain of losing something hurts marginally more than gaining an equal something. Suddenly losing $100 hurts emotionally substantively more than gaining $100 suddenly. Psychologists believe this is because the loss of resources was an existential threat to our survival in generations past compared to a beneficial gain of unexpected resources ensuring our ongoing survival. Extrapolate that to our most important attachments, our relationships, and the loss of our most treasured relationships can cause an immense amount of emotional pain and suffering.

Loss hurts worse than gain feels good

The Loss of a Relationship

Loss can take many forms in relationships. The obvious, and perhaps most painful, is death. The sudden or prolonged loss of a meaningful relationship can takes months or years to heal from. Often just the thought of losing a loved one can evoke a physiological response and/or anxiety. We will cover the loss of a relationship through death on another blog post. The other ways we lose relationships is the ending of romantic partners (which we also cover another time), the loss of relationships of proximity, and the loss of relationships based on values incompatibility. Director of SCNARK and Researcher Boleslaw Szymanski stated in a study based on relationships of proximity,

“The data immediately revealed that the likelihood of friendship between two people decreases as distance increases. Researchers found that 80 percent of friends of a particular person live within 600 miles of that person’s home.”

Boleslaw Symanski

Another study published in the American Journal of Sociology demonstrated the relationship potency of proximity finding that in student dormitories, the distance between rooms was the strongest friendship predictor amongst all reasonable variables and that living closer together meant a higher chance of becoming friends.

So what happens when we move or when our friends move? More often than not, these friendships wane over time and dissolve into acquaintance. It can take years before a memory or photo causes you to reflect and realize that what once was a bright and beneficial relationship has been lost. This feeling of loss can trigger the loss aversion mechanism in us resulting in emotional pain and grief. It can be hard to reconcile that proximity was the primary factor as to why the relationship was lost. We want to blame ourselves for not reaching out or visiting more often. It does not benefit us to burden ourselves with guilt or shame when the most likely reason we became friends with them in the first place is the same reason the relationship was lost. This is what also makes long-distance relationships marginally more challenging than traditional relationships, but that’s another topic for another time.

Friends are gained and lost through proximity
Proximity is the greatest predictor of who you become friends with

The next most common loss of relationships is through values incompatibility. As we age it is common for our values to evolve and change. As we start families and get deeper into our careers, what matters most to us changes. In a paper published by Gouveia, Vione, Milfont, and Fischer in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin rated 18 different core values of 36,000 participants ranging in age from 12 to 65. They found that “Normative Values” (tradition and religiosity) tended to get more important with age and were most important to the oldest adults in the study. Actualization also tended to increase with age until middle-age where it flattens out. Though we age proportionally with our present relationships, our values don’t always evolve at the same time or in the same direction. Often we lose relationships when our values are in contradiction with one another. Sometimes these relationships end suddenly in an argument or event where these evolved values clash. Sometimes these relationships dissipate slowly over time as these values shift gradually. Either way, when we realize the loss of these relationships, we can internalize the grief blaming ourselves or blaming our friends/family for irreconcilable differences. Instead we should process these losses as a natural consequence of our aging and evolving values.

How to Handle Loss

This in and of itself could be it’s own entire blog. I’ll direct you to a fantastic article written by Dr. Steven Hayes titled From Loss to Love. The most important recommendation I can give is to confront the pain. Similar to loss, we as humans are averse to pain. Pain is uncomfortable and is often interpreted as something “bad” or “wrong.” The pain of loss is neither of these things. The pain of loss is a natural consequence of the connection and attachment you had in those relationships. Acknowledge the loss, embrace the pain of that loss, and then healing will follow. As is the case with most pain and emotional turmoil, the greatest antidote is connection. Connecting with those you have secure attachments with in your life will soothe the pain and help you progress.

If you find yourself struggling with the loss of a relationship– therapy is a great way to have an expert counselor guide you through the healing process.

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts, questions, and stories in the comments!

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