Clarissa Mace LMFT
LMFT | Clinical Director, Utah Marriage and Family Therapy Clinic | Utah County
Key Takeaways
Quick Answer for IFS couples therapy:
1. Internal Family Systems (IFS) couples therapy helps partners recognize their protective “parts” during arguments and respond from their calm, connected “Self” instead. This approach is particularly effective for Provo couples navigating both relationship conflicts and faith transitions, as it honors the complexity of our inner worlds while building deeper intimacy.
2. Arguments reveal protective parts: What looks like your partner attacking is often their vulnerable part trying to stay safe
3. Self-led connection is possible: When you respond from Self rather than protective parts, arguments transform into opportunities for understanding
4. Faith parts: IFS is especially powerful for Utah County couples where religious changes activates different protective strategies
When Love Feels Like a Battlefield: Why Provo Couples Get Stuck in Painful Cycles
If you’ve ever found yourself in the same argument for the hundredth time—feeling like you and your partner are speaking completely different languages—you’re not alone. Many couples in Provo tell us they feel trapped in cycles where small disagreements explode into relationship-threatening fights, leaving both partners wondering how someone they love so much can feel like a stranger.
Here in Utah County, we see this pattern intensified when couples face additional stressors like faith transitions, family expectations, etc. You might feel like you’re fighting not just with your partner, but with invisible forces neither of you fully understands.
The good news? These patterns aren’t signs of a doomed relationship. They’re actually your protective systems trying to keep you safe—they’re just not working anymore.
What is Internal Family Systems Couples Therapy?
IFS couples therapy recognizes that we all have different “parts” of our personality that show up during conflict—like the part that gets defensive, the part that shuts down, or the part that needs to be right. These aren’t problems to fix; they’re protective strategies your inner system developed to keep you safe.
In IFS marriage counseling, couples learn to identify these parts during arguments and access their “Self”—the calm, curious, connected core that can handle difficult conversations with wisdom and compassion. Instead of your defensive part fighting your partner’s critical part, you learn to have Self-to-Self conversations that create understanding rather than escalation.
What the research shows:
According to recent couples therapy data, couples report significantly improved communication after learning to recognize their protective patterns—a key component of the IFS approach to relationship healing.
When couples in Provo start seeing their arguments through an IFS lens, they often have breakthrough moments: “Oh, that wasn’t really *you* saying I’m never good enough—that was your scared part trying to get my attention because it felt disconnected from me.”
How Do Protective Parts Show Up in Your Relationship?
How Do Protective Parts Show Up in Your Relationship?
During relationship conflict, different protective parts emerge to handle what feels dangerous. Your “Manager” parts try to control situations to prevent pain—like the part that over-explains, people-pleases, or needs everything planned perfectly. Your “Firefighter” parts react when you’re already hurt—the part that yells, shuts down, or threatens to leave.
Meanwhile, underneath these protective parts are your “Exiles”—the vulnerable, tender parts holding your deepest needs for love, acceptance, and connection. These exiles carry the original pain your protectors are trying to prevent you from feeling again.
Here’s what this might look like in real relationships:
When Your Partner Says/Does -> Your Protective Part Responds -> The Exile Underneath Feels
“You always interrupt me” -> Manager: Over-explains and defends->”I’m not heard or valued”
Comes home late without calling -> Firefighter: Yells about disrespect -> “I don’t matter to you”
Doesn’t want to discuss the future -> Manager: Pursues with questions -> “I’m not safe or secure”
The IFS approach to arguments helps you recognize these patterns in real-time. Instead of getting hijacked by your protective parts, you can pause and ask: “Which part of me is activated right now, and what does it need my partner to understand?”
The IFS Process: From Reactive Parts to Self-Led Connection
Learning to navigate conflict from your Self rather than your protective parts takes practice, but the steps are surprisingly straightforward:
- Notice the activation: When you feel that familiar surge of anger, defensiveness, or shutdown, pause and ask: “What part of me just got triggered?” This moment of awareness is everything.
- Get curious about your part: Instead of judging your protective part, get interested in it. “What is this defensive part trying to protect? What does it need right now?”
- Invite your partner’s curiosity: Share what you’re discovering: “I notice my shutdown part is here because it feels criticized. Can we slow down and try this again?”
- Listen for your partner’s parts: When your partner gets reactive, try to see their protective part rather than taking it personally: “It sounds like your anxious part is really worried about us. Help me understand what it needs.”
A trained therapist can help you navigate these steps when your protective parts are too activated to access Self on your own—which is completely normal, especially when you’re addressing years of painful cycles.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
Imagine a couple caught in a recurring conflict about extended family boundaries. One partner feels frustrated when phone calls from in-laws interrupt their quality time together, while the other feels torn between their spouse and family loyalty.
Through IFS couples therapy, this kind of couple often discovers something surprising: the “critical” partner actually has a protective part trying to guard their connection time—underneath is a vulnerable part that feels unimportant. Meanwhile, the “people-pleasing” partner has their own protective part shielding a deep fear of disappointing loved ones.
When couples learn to see each other’s protective parts with curiosity rather than taking them personally, the dynamic can shift significantly. Instead of escalating into blame, partners can begin to say things like, “I notice I’m feeling protective of our time because connection with you matters so much to me.” The other might respond, “That makes sense. I feel pulled in two directions, but I want to protect our time together too.”
This is the kind of transformation IFS therapy makes possible—not by eliminating the parts, but by helping couples understand what each part is trying to protect.
How IFS Compares to Other Couples Therapy Approaches
If you’re familiar with other therapy methods, you might wonder how IFS relates to approaches like Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). While Gottman focuses on building positive interaction patterns and EFT works with attachment emotions, IFS adds a unique dimension by helping you understand the internal landscape that drives those patterns and emotions.
IFS + Gottman:
IFS helps you recognize which parts create the “Four Horsemen” (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling) that Gottman identifies as relationship killers.
IFS + EFT:
While EFT helps you access and express your attachment needs, IFS helps you differentiate between the voice of your authentic Self and the voice of your protective parts when sharing those needs.
Many couples in our Utah County practice find that IFS provides the missing piece that helps other therapeutic approaches stick—because when you understand your internal world, you can make different choices in your relationship.
When to Seek Professional Help in Provo
Consider reaching out to a therapist if:
– You find yourselves having the same argument repeatedly with no resolution
– One or both partners regularly shut down or explode during conflicts
– You feel like you’re walking on eggshells to avoid triggering your partner
– Faith transitions or cultural pressures are creating additional relationship stress
– You love each other but feel like roommates rather than intimate partners
If any of these resonate, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure it out by yourself. Learn more about our couples counseling services in Utah County.
Frequently Asked Questions
How long does IFS couples therapy take to see results?
Most couples notice shifts in their argument patterns within 4-6 sessions as they begin recognizing their protective parts. However, lasting change typically takes 6-12 months as you build new neural pathways for Self-led responses rather than reactive part-based patterns.
Is IFS therapy compatible with religious beliefs?
Absolutely. Many couples with strong faith backgrounds find that IFS complements their spiritual beliefs rather than conflicting with them. The concept of different “parts” resonates with the understanding that we all have aspects of ourselves that need healing, compassion, and integration.
How much does couples therapy cost in Utah County?
Investment in couples therapy varies based on your therapist’s credentials and experience. At UMFT, we offer a free consultation to discuss your specific needs and explore options that work for your family’s budget including sliding scale based on monthly income or life circumstances.
What if only one partner is willing to try therapy?
While couples therapy works best when both partners participate, individual therapy using IFS can still create significant positive changes in your relationship dynamics. When one person begins responding from Self rather than protective parts, it often invites their partner to do the same.
How does IFS differ from traditional marriage counseling?
Traditional marriage counseling often focuses on communication skills and behavior changes. IFS goes deeper by helping you understand the internal systems driving those communication patterns. This creates more sustainable change because you’re addressing the root protective strategies, not just the surface behaviors.
Taking the Next Step in Provo
Learning to see your arguments through an IFS lens can feel like discovering a new language for love—one where conflict becomes curiosity and triggers become doorways to deeper intimacy. Instead of fighting against your partner’s protective parts, you learn to invite them into conversations that honor both of your inner worlds.
The couples in our Provo serving practice who embrace this work often tell us it’s transformed not just their relationship, but their relationship with themselves. When you can hold your own protective parts with compassion, you naturally extend that same grace to your partner’s parts.
Ready to talk?
Schedule a free consultation with a licensed therapist who understands the unique pressures facing Utah County couples. We offer flexible scheduling including evening appointments and telehealth options for clients across Utah.
About the Author
Clarissa Mace, LMFT is the Clinical Director of Utah Marriage and Family Therapy Clinic in Lindon, Utah. She specializes in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Gottman Method, and Internal Family Systems approaches for couples and families. Clarissa is an AAMFT Approved Supervisor and has helped hundreds of Utah County couples rebuild connection and trust.
